16th February 2009
I am who I am and this is the story of my life. It hasn’t been long since I started my mundane working life. The routine daily schedule of waking at 6.45 am getting ready and heading out to start my day.
I drove out onto the highway and all I could think off was “Is this the life I want, a life with absolutely no excitement, no essences of life itself, being force to live a life so passionless. Doing what you do just to please the people around you. Not wanting to hurt the 2 most important people in your life, your parents or is that just an excuse we give ourselves cause of the fear of failure? The fear of taking risks and living life the way we dream off. No attachments and no obligations, taking one day at a time.
“Life is short” what a cliché that phrase is and yet how true it is. When I was 12 years old, I always thought that I would die young and I wouldn’t have to go through studying mathematics and chemistry and physics and biology and the other entire subject in SPM. I used to watch my sister when she was studying for her SPM and her notes they were things that I couldn’t understand, symbols and signs I simply couldn’t comprehend. I thought to myself how am I going to go do that, and so I assumed that I would die before I had to live through that. I suppose it was a dose of cowardice and a lack of confidence in me. You could say that I was probably a very insecure little child back then, and maybe I still am. I guess I was just afraid of the unknown so to speak and of cause failure. Well obviously I lived way pass 17 years and now after graduating with a degree in Actuarial Science, I laugh hysterically at the “thought of that thought”. Who would have thought, a girl that didn’t think she would make it to SPM because she was afraid of Mathematics ended up pursuing a major in a very Mathematical Degree.
Life shouldn’t be something we fear but something we embrace everyday with enthusiasm. How can I live my mundane life with enthusiasm? Should I consider a career change? Or is that a means of running away from what I fear? Or is it fear that is stopping me form change?
Half the day has gone by now and here I am still telling you the story of my life. You must be wondering “doesn’t she have work?” Well the answer to that question is a “yes” and a “no”. Since it has only been few months since I started, I haven’t been given much work to do. As for this particular Monday, I haven’t been given any work to do. You’re probably going, “that’s a good thing, why is she complaining”. Your right and no I’m not complaining. Life has no complains but only concerns. So I am simply just expressing my concerns.
I still remember when my sister left to the UK, before she left she wrote a letter to Mum and Dad and to me. There was that one phrase that stuck with me till this day “…we (my sis, my bro and me) were meant to do great things in life…” Well I don’t feel like I’m doing great things, I feel so normal living a mediocre life. I am yet to figure out what great thing I was meant to do.
Boredom, I can’t stand it. I need to be doing something constantly; I always thought that I had an obsessive compulsive behavior. I could never sit still for more then a minute if there are people around me. Even when I am alone, I would start to fidget with things around me. When I used to study or revise a subject I would rock back and forth in my chair. I found this very relaxing. Am I weird? I don’t think so; just because everyone else doesn’t do it that doesn’t necessarily make me weird right.
Insane people are no different from sane people, sane people are going insane inside and going into depression because they cannot do what they wish. Everything has its restrictions and code of conduct and the way one should act and talk but an insane man is a sane man that does not apply all these restrictions and rules. He lives a life free from the minds of others. It is not easy being an insane man, because we live in a judgmental society and until the mindsets of our society changes we are all sane people going insane inside.
