It has been a long time since I put my thoughts down. I am still in the corporate life which I’m still not happy with. I’m trying to find something to hang on too and I can’t seem to find it in my corporate life or is that just an excuse I’m telling myself so I won’t feel bad if I call it quits. Then again I can’t quit, some how I feel the pressure of my parents on me and if I quit I know my dad would be disappointed in me.
I feel my parents just don’t get me or rather just don’t get us. Maybe it’s because they have worked all their life and they complained too but they never gave up, they did everything they could to provide us with our basic needs. I want to repay them for everything they have done, but I simply cannot carry on living this life. It has no meaning, no life itself. Day in day out we spend half our lives at the office with strangers. People we cannot trust because you never know when they’ll turn around and stab you in the back. We just survive day in day out hoping for a promotion or pay raise.
I wanted to be a CEO of a MNC someday or at least that was my career aspiration before I started work. I release that being a CEO takes an even bigger toll on life and that’s when I started having second thoughts of corporate life. Now there are just so many things I want to do from opening my own business to being a lecturer and even a fitness instructor…. Just imagine that!!!. I just seem to be confused lately and I need more time figure this out. It’s depressing and frustrating trying to figure out life. But if we don’t figure this out now, we might just get stuck in this cycle.
Who knows what path I might end up taking……
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
She got Married...
2nd March 2009
It’s a Monday morning and I’ve got my earplugs with a Duncan Sheik song playing, “Barely breathing”. I’m the first one to arrive at the office, well actually the client’s office and I’m already frustrated because I can’t seem to get online!!! Since I’m here and I have nothing to do till my so called boss arrives I thought I’d tell you something about my life.
Over the weekend I attended a very close friends wedding, it was a Gujarati (check spelling) wedding ceremony. I arrived at around 9 am with another friend of mine, and we got ourselves a seat with a view. The people there were really grandly dressed up in all sorts of colors. It was a really nice scene like something you would see in a Bollywood movie. Anyway, the ceremony started at around 9.30am with singing and some prays for the groom. There were waiters handing out finger food, I guess this was to compensate for the very long ceremony. Then the bride arrives dressed in a white and maroon sari with jewels deck from head to toe. She looked beautiful like a Bollywood movie star. Ok I’m going to cut it short now cause the ceremony is not what I wanted to talk about. So the bride arrives another long pray was said and some burning of twigs and Ghee (Punjabi oil like substance they use for cooking) not to mention the whole place was totally smoked up and I was getting a splitting head ache. It ended around 12 and this was just the ceremony not the reception which was right after the wedding. There was an announcement before we were asked to leave the wedding hall and proceed for the reception. It went something like this “The people for the groom side will be served in doors and the people for the bride’s side will be served outside”. I was totally like what the hell it’s so bloody hot outside and why the segregation and why the brides people out, why not the grooms!!!!! Well I just wanted to get it over and done, so we went to have our vegetarian lunch. They served us a small (tiny) chapatti with two table spoons of rice and some vegetables. I wasn’t surprised cause this friend that got married had financial problems and well in their custom the bride’s side pays for the whole wedding so I guess they were on a budget. Well after the lunch we wished her and left to my cousins where we had another round of lunch =P
What I wanted to talk about was “marriage”. I would like to think that it’s one of the biggest commitments one can take. This is because I’m not someone who believes in divorce as I was born and brought up as a catholic. Now my boss just walked in, I guess I’ll have to continue this later. WORK TIME =(
It’s a Monday morning and I’ve got my earplugs with a Duncan Sheik song playing, “Barely breathing”. I’m the first one to arrive at the office, well actually the client’s office and I’m already frustrated because I can’t seem to get online!!! Since I’m here and I have nothing to do till my so called boss arrives I thought I’d tell you something about my life.
Over the weekend I attended a very close friends wedding, it was a Gujarati (check spelling) wedding ceremony. I arrived at around 9 am with another friend of mine, and we got ourselves a seat with a view. The people there were really grandly dressed up in all sorts of colors. It was a really nice scene like something you would see in a Bollywood movie. Anyway, the ceremony started at around 9.30am with singing and some prays for the groom. There were waiters handing out finger food, I guess this was to compensate for the very long ceremony. Then the bride arrives dressed in a white and maroon sari with jewels deck from head to toe. She looked beautiful like a Bollywood movie star. Ok I’m going to cut it short now cause the ceremony is not what I wanted to talk about. So the bride arrives another long pray was said and some burning of twigs and Ghee (Punjabi oil like substance they use for cooking) not to mention the whole place was totally smoked up and I was getting a splitting head ache. It ended around 12 and this was just the ceremony not the reception which was right after the wedding. There was an announcement before we were asked to leave the wedding hall and proceed for the reception. It went something like this “The people for the groom side will be served in doors and the people for the bride’s side will be served outside”. I was totally like what the hell it’s so bloody hot outside and why the segregation and why the brides people out, why not the grooms!!!!! Well I just wanted to get it over and done, so we went to have our vegetarian lunch. They served us a small (tiny) chapatti with two table spoons of rice and some vegetables. I wasn’t surprised cause this friend that got married had financial problems and well in their custom the bride’s side pays for the whole wedding so I guess they were on a budget. Well after the lunch we wished her and left to my cousins where we had another round of lunch =P
What I wanted to talk about was “marriage”. I would like to think that it’s one of the biggest commitments one can take. This is because I’m not someone who believes in divorce as I was born and brought up as a catholic. Now my boss just walked in, I guess I’ll have to continue this later. WORK TIME =(
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The begining
16th February 2009
I am who I am and this is the story of my life. It hasn’t been long since I started my mundane working life. The routine daily schedule of waking at 6.45 am getting ready and heading out to start my day.
I drove out onto the highway and all I could think off was “Is this the life I want, a life with absolutely no excitement, no essences of life itself, being force to live a life so passionless. Doing what you do just to please the people around you. Not wanting to hurt the 2 most important people in your life, your parents or is that just an excuse we give ourselves cause of the fear of failure? The fear of taking risks and living life the way we dream off. No attachments and no obligations, taking one day at a time.
“Life is short” what a cliché that phrase is and yet how true it is. When I was 12 years old, I always thought that I would die young and I wouldn’t have to go through studying mathematics and chemistry and physics and biology and the other entire subject in SPM. I used to watch my sister when she was studying for her SPM and her notes they were things that I couldn’t understand, symbols and signs I simply couldn’t comprehend. I thought to myself how am I going to go do that, and so I assumed that I would die before I had to live through that. I suppose it was a dose of cowardice and a lack of confidence in me. You could say that I was probably a very insecure little child back then, and maybe I still am. I guess I was just afraid of the unknown so to speak and of cause failure. Well obviously I lived way pass 17 years and now after graduating with a degree in Actuarial Science, I laugh hysterically at the “thought of that thought”. Who would have thought, a girl that didn’t think she would make it to SPM because she was afraid of Mathematics ended up pursuing a major in a very Mathematical Degree.
Life shouldn’t be something we fear but something we embrace everyday with enthusiasm. How can I live my mundane life with enthusiasm? Should I consider a career change? Or is that a means of running away from what I fear? Or is it fear that is stopping me form change?
Half the day has gone by now and here I am still telling you the story of my life. You must be wondering “doesn’t she have work?” Well the answer to that question is a “yes” and a “no”. Since it has only been few months since I started, I haven’t been given much work to do. As for this particular Monday, I haven’t been given any work to do. You’re probably going, “that’s a good thing, why is she complaining”. Your right and no I’m not complaining. Life has no complains but only concerns. So I am simply just expressing my concerns.
I still remember when my sister left to the UK, before she left she wrote a letter to Mum and Dad and to me. There was that one phrase that stuck with me till this day “…we (my sis, my bro and me) were meant to do great things in life…” Well I don’t feel like I’m doing great things, I feel so normal living a mediocre life. I am yet to figure out what great thing I was meant to do.
Boredom, I can’t stand it. I need to be doing something constantly; I always thought that I had an obsessive compulsive behavior. I could never sit still for more then a minute if there are people around me. Even when I am alone, I would start to fidget with things around me. When I used to study or revise a subject I would rock back and forth in my chair. I found this very relaxing. Am I weird? I don’t think so; just because everyone else doesn’t do it that doesn’t necessarily make me weird right.
Insane people are no different from sane people, sane people are going insane inside and going into depression because they cannot do what they wish. Everything has its restrictions and code of conduct and the way one should act and talk but an insane man is a sane man that does not apply all these restrictions and rules. He lives a life free from the minds of others. It is not easy being an insane man, because we live in a judgmental society and until the mindsets of our society changes we are all sane people going insane inside.
I am who I am and this is the story of my life. It hasn’t been long since I started my mundane working life. The routine daily schedule of waking at 6.45 am getting ready and heading out to start my day.
I drove out onto the highway and all I could think off was “Is this the life I want, a life with absolutely no excitement, no essences of life itself, being force to live a life so passionless. Doing what you do just to please the people around you. Not wanting to hurt the 2 most important people in your life, your parents or is that just an excuse we give ourselves cause of the fear of failure? The fear of taking risks and living life the way we dream off. No attachments and no obligations, taking one day at a time.
“Life is short” what a cliché that phrase is and yet how true it is. When I was 12 years old, I always thought that I would die young and I wouldn’t have to go through studying mathematics and chemistry and physics and biology and the other entire subject in SPM. I used to watch my sister when she was studying for her SPM and her notes they were things that I couldn’t understand, symbols and signs I simply couldn’t comprehend. I thought to myself how am I going to go do that, and so I assumed that I would die before I had to live through that. I suppose it was a dose of cowardice and a lack of confidence in me. You could say that I was probably a very insecure little child back then, and maybe I still am. I guess I was just afraid of the unknown so to speak and of cause failure. Well obviously I lived way pass 17 years and now after graduating with a degree in Actuarial Science, I laugh hysterically at the “thought of that thought”. Who would have thought, a girl that didn’t think she would make it to SPM because she was afraid of Mathematics ended up pursuing a major in a very Mathematical Degree.
Life shouldn’t be something we fear but something we embrace everyday with enthusiasm. How can I live my mundane life with enthusiasm? Should I consider a career change? Or is that a means of running away from what I fear? Or is it fear that is stopping me form change?
Half the day has gone by now and here I am still telling you the story of my life. You must be wondering “doesn’t she have work?” Well the answer to that question is a “yes” and a “no”. Since it has only been few months since I started, I haven’t been given much work to do. As for this particular Monday, I haven’t been given any work to do. You’re probably going, “that’s a good thing, why is she complaining”. Your right and no I’m not complaining. Life has no complains but only concerns. So I am simply just expressing my concerns.
I still remember when my sister left to the UK, before she left she wrote a letter to Mum and Dad and to me. There was that one phrase that stuck with me till this day “…we (my sis, my bro and me) were meant to do great things in life…” Well I don’t feel like I’m doing great things, I feel so normal living a mediocre life. I am yet to figure out what great thing I was meant to do.
Boredom, I can’t stand it. I need to be doing something constantly; I always thought that I had an obsessive compulsive behavior. I could never sit still for more then a minute if there are people around me. Even when I am alone, I would start to fidget with things around me. When I used to study or revise a subject I would rock back and forth in my chair. I found this very relaxing. Am I weird? I don’t think so; just because everyone else doesn’t do it that doesn’t necessarily make me weird right.
Insane people are no different from sane people, sane people are going insane inside and going into depression because they cannot do what they wish. Everything has its restrictions and code of conduct and the way one should act and talk but an insane man is a sane man that does not apply all these restrictions and rules. He lives a life free from the minds of others. It is not easy being an insane man, because we live in a judgmental society and until the mindsets of our society changes we are all sane people going insane inside.
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